Try some LARD – it does wonders for the heart! Once described as the “coolest band that never existed”LARD is composed of four parts MINISTRY (Al Jourgensen, Paul Barker, Bill Reiflin, with Jeff Ward performing on selected tracks) and one shot of JELLO (BIAFRA that is- former DEAD KENNEDY and renown spoken word performer). In the ten plus years since their first EP (The Power Of Lard– Alternative Tentacles 1989), the lads have but one live performance to show for themselves. Yet they have somehow become a household word. Crushing guitars, disturbing noises, and JELLO’s signature shrieks have come to characterize the demon that is LARD. 1990 saw the bloody birth of their first full-length, The Last Temptation Of Reid. After seven years, they squeezed out another dazzler, Pure Chewing Satisfaction (1997). Now, with the dawning of a new millennium, LARD graciously treats us to another dose.

A slight musical departure for the band, the title track of their latest EP, “70’s Rock Must Die”, (which hit the streets January 2000). Featuring the late Jeff Ward on drums, LARD recorded the song while in the studio for The Last Temptation of Reid. They intended to use “70’s Rock Must Die” for a separate side-project entitled, LEATHER AND HAIR. One brainstorm for the cover art sported the band in blond “POISON-style” wigs, riding Harleys equipped with training wheels. However, as they never finished a B-side, the recording sat in the closet for years. Finally, after much encouragement from Jello, Al mixed down the song, a long time cult favorite of all who had heard the rough version. Anxious to share their seventies memories (c’mon- THE BEE GEE’s, John Travolta, and Ford Pintos- you know you love it), LARD has created an epic screaming for a music video.

Lest, the rock power should start to overwhelm your soul, the two subsequent songs will crush you with the sensibilities of a jackhammer. Though recorded during the Pure Chewing Satisfaction sessions, the tracks seemed to pack more punch on their own, and were consequently left off the album. “Vulcanus 2000” offers a glimpse into the Sci-Fi nightmare created by humanity¹s excessive waste and resulting refuse; in other words, visualizing a landfill springing to life. The final track, “The Ballad of Marshall Ledbetter”, details the real-life antics of a frustrated, young citizen who locked himself in the Florida State Capitol in Tallahassee, and demanded (among other items) a veggie pizza, six hundred and sixty-six donuts and a chat with Lemmy and Jello.

To accompany the EP, Alternative Tentacles auctioned a metallic orange ’79 Ford Pinto. That’s right- complete with leopard print seatcovers, a dashboard hula girl, rearview disco ball, and snazzy mud flaps. (And surprisingly enough, a Ford Pinto wasn’t easy to come by!) After extended search, our faithful office manager finally stumbled upon one in the desolate suburb of Hayward, CA. During the voyage to retrieve the vehicle, a bevy of Pintos suddenly appeared, tucked away in sunny Hayward. Yup, cholesterol-free lifestyle getting you down- do yourself a favor and suck down the LARD.